My original thought when I scripted this piece was that it was funny. Then, I thought it through and decided that since lobsters lack a central nervous system they’re probably safe from most of the intoxicating effects of alcohol. I did some “research”, but a simple Google search (and re-search) did not return any conclusive work on lobster drunkenness.
It turns out lobsters have opiate receptors, which are a critical piece of the puzzle in many addictive chemicals such as alcohol. My limited understanding is that alcohol triggers other processes in humans which lead to opiate receptor activation, so lobsters may be able to exhibit some of the effects of alcohol we see in humans, especially dependence, but that’s for people smarter than me with huge government grants to determine.
If nobody’s on this, then I want all local, State and Federal government research grant organizations to know that I will gladly study the intoxicating effects of alcohol on lobsters and compare them to a control group of humans. This will require research assistants, lab equipment, and tons of experimental ethanol, not to mention half of the take must go to bribing…er, “buying association with”…er, overhead at a research university. As such, I expect the research to take at least three years, with two one-year extensions if the work shows promise, and cost a million dollars each year. I am willing to forego university affiliation for 500 grand a year.
Please get in touch: These are answers the world needs to have to questions nobody has thought to ask.
